Wednesday 18 June 2014

Does That Make Me Crazy..?

Hi Everyone!! It's been a little while since I've wrote on here, those who follow me on Twitter, Facebook and G+ know that I've not been feeling too good the past week or so, that's why I haven't written. I've decided that I'm going to change the structure of the blog a little, updating every two days rather than everyday. I will still be doing the same topics, just on alternate days :) 

Today I wanted to talk about my anxiety a little more, and how the past week has been very, very hard for me. Now if you have read my previous posts you will know that I currently suffer with three different forms of anxiety, PTSD, Social and Panic Disorder, but this week has been a whole different ball game for me, so here goes!

I started to get really bad headaches about a week ago, a slow shooting pain in the temple which was followed by a really dull, cloudy pain in my forehead. No matter what I took it wouldn't shift. I became moody, snappy and my temper was snapping at every little thing. I've suffered migraines before but these were like no other headaches I had ever had. They made me sleepy, my body ache and I didn't want to do anything, and I mean anything. 

Usually when I have a headache I would just brush it off but not this time. My anxiety took over the situation and I had convinced myself I had a brain tumour. I sat and researched the symptoms, looked into peoples stories and even posted on forums about it. I was convinced. Every night when I went to bed my thoughts would be racing, I'm dying, my times up and that's it for me. I was having panic attack after panic attack, I was out of control. 

During my CBT I have learned techniques on how to deal with panic (I've even posted on here about coping with it) but I couldn't focus my mind to come back to reality. The panic attacks were frequent, I was exhausted, convinced I was dying and feeling stupid because of the thoughts. I plucked up the courage to go to the Doctors, preparing myself for some life changing news. I was thinking that because my mum died of a brain tumour, I was next in line. 

I explained everything to the doctor, how I was feeling, my thoughts and the panic that I couldn't control. After doing some tests, he told me that I wasn't suffering from a tumour and that it was actually tension headaches, a very common thing for those suffering with depression/anxiety. He gave me some new medication, Amitriptyline. So off I popped. 

No matter what medication I take, I always Google it to see what I am taking. I found out that Amitriptyline is another anti-depressant, but is used for tension headaches. So then I got a little frantic looking into combinations of anti-depressants and how they affect you etc.. I then started to panic again, am I taking too much medication? What if I have a bad reaction?  Along came another wave of panic attacks. I just can't escape them.

Following looking at medicine combinations, I had now convinced myself that I was going to get Serotonin Sydrome (SS), a condition that develops when combining two medications that produce serotonin, but you produce too much, causing it to become toxic to the brain, which if it is severe, can kill you. Alongside this new medication I also had toothache (wisdom teeth) and have been taking paracetamol and ibuprofen. So I started to believe that if I take these medications together I would develop SS and that would be the end of me again, just like with the brain tumour.

Every night, as I got into bed, the same thing happened as it did with the brain tumour scenario, panic attack after panic attack, uncontrollable thoughts and a long sleepless night. My body was physically, mentally and emotionally tired. I told myself that I can't go on like this, I need to try and get some control back. That brings me to yesterday. I had another Doctors appointment as well as a therapy session. Both my doctor and therapist have brought me back down to earth, just what I needed. I had a good nights sleep last night and feel better already.

I wanted to write this post to let others know that when suffering with anxiety, your body will be going into panic mode more often than not. My therapist told me that when suffering with anxiety you will get more aches and pains, they will stand out more than ever before and that it is perfectly normal to get the feelings of panic, with anything health related. She did also mention that if you are looking for something that's up with you, the chances are you will find something, cling to it and then make it worse in your head. I know I am guilty of that. So if you are feeling concious about anything health related, speak to your Doctor, get some clarification and put your mind at ease as quickly as possible, I waited a few days too long.

 Throughout all the episodes of the past week, I keep questioning my sanity, hence the title of the post. Does That Make Me Crazy? Well, in short the answer is NO! I'm now developing a new anxiety symptom, health anxiety, which I will be working on with my CB Therapist. Even though the past week or so have been very draining, I'm still here, I'm still healthy and have a lot to look forward to. I know there are going to be bumps in the road along the way, I know that I'm not going to feel 100% everyday and I most certainly know that I will control these thoughts eventually. Until then, life is still a panic!!

1 comment:

  1. I can relate to everything in this post. I too have Panic Disorder, GAD, PTSD, and Health Anxiety. I have diagnosed myself with every major illness. As I write you it's 4AM where I am and I am convinced I have Lung or Esophogeal Cancer. Just started back up therapy and am looking for a psychiatrist. I enjoyed reading your blog it made me feel just a little bit less crazy!

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