So this is the first actual post I'm doing about my story. I wanted to start with Depression as this is the longest and probably the hardest battle I am facing at the moment.
I think my depression really started around when I was 15 when my mum passed away, the feeling of not belonging, the empty feeling in my stomach each day and the pain it caused me thinking about never getting to see her again, at such a young age was hard to come to terms with.
I went through a few years before I even contemplated I was depressed, in fact I was only diagnosed with depression February this year! Now a lot of you will be thinking surely you must have known you were depressed?? Well in all honesty I never. I was young, naive and bottled all my feelings up for years, I was always the "strong one" out of my friend group or the "leader" of the household. I had a lot on my shoulders and never took the time to look into how I was feeling and just shrugged it off and carried on.
It got to a point in October last year, after all the drugs I had taken, the change of lifestyle I had, the moving away to get myself right and losing my job that I finally saw the cracks in my character that I had plastered over for so many years. I mean, to go 7 years without much help, and the responsibilities I had, I was bound to crack at some point, and that started then.
I slowly started to think of my life as a whole! Where I was at? What I had done? Why did I get dealt these cards to deal with? Why did everyone else my age have a care free life? It just all started to add up, the bad choices I had made, the struggles I had faced and it all came down on me like a ton of bricks. The only support I have is one friend and my brother, who I love with all my heart and if I had to lose them, then I don't know where I would go or what I would do.
I went on a downward spiral, started not leaving the house, constantly had horrible thoughts rushing round my head and just gave up on life. I thought to myself I've tried so hard for so long, I just can't do it anymore. Christmas last year was one of the lowest points I have had, everytime an advert came on showing a happy family, everytime I looked over at the tree and saw very little underneath it and everytime I was out and about seeing people happy it made me hate myself and my life even more. I wanted to kill myself.
Over that period I had many suicidal thoughts, but I couldn't even contemplate leaving my younger brother to fend for himself, what kind of person would that make me? This is when the self harming kicked in. Everytime I felt any pain, I take the razor out and go at my legs like gardener trimming a hedge, cutting till I could cut no more, it was the only way, I felt, to control the suicidal thoughts.
After a few months I finally plucked up the courage to go see my GP. I explained everything that had gone on, my past, my present and what I viewed to be my future. This was in February. I was given support numbers, medication to help with the anxiety and was being referred to the mental health team. I finally thought that my life would get back on track....
It's now the end of May, I still self harm near enough every week, the pain won't go, I can't face the day most days and barely leave the house due to my anxiety. The medication I feel isn't working at the moment (even though I'm on the highest possible dose.) My mind is still constantly racing with thoughts about how worthless I feel, about how my life doesn't feel complete and that it's just a waste. I currently am undergoing some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I have had 4 sessions, where we have just only covered my back story leading up to this point. The only positive spin I can put on things at the moment is I know I will get better eventually, it's just frustrating having to battle each day when I feel I can't battle anymore.
This is why I am writing this blog. I want to share my thoughts and feelings throughout my journey here, in the hope that someone out there is feeling the same as I do or has had the same experiences I have had. Here's to hoping....!
I can sympathise as I know the feelings and the thoughts. I do hope that you can get things sorted in your mind as I feel that is where a recovery comes from. A number of sessions with a psychologist helped me to understand the cause,and it's sometimes underlying incidents that have sat in the background in your mind until a trigger sets off your darker thoughts. I was told that if you can recognise the triggers then you can try to avoid them. It is like walking along and falling down a deep hole, but once you know the hole is there you can do all you can to avoid falling down it next time. Easier said than done. I do hope with the help of the GP you can get to the bottom of what is going on and beat it. Good luck.
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